Engaged & Un-kissed!
Yes, you read that right! My fiancé Craig and I have been dating for over a year, engaged for just under 3 months, and WE STILL HAVE NEVER KISSED! Not to mention, we are still in a long distance relationship. I know - you probably already think we are both crazy and out of our minds. So what's the deal? Why would we choose to conduct our relationship in what today's society would categorize as "radical"?
Well first let me start by saying that the purpose of this blog is not to convince you that you should not be kissing in your dating relationship, or that what we are doing is the gospel truth. This is a blog about our personal conviction that led to our decision, and the meaningful lessons and unique bond that we have as a result of it! So take from this post whatever helps you pursue your current relationship or future relationship in a way that allows you to grow closer to God!
Craig (CJ) and I both have been in physically engaging relationships prior to dating one another, in which kissing was a perfectly normal and comfortable way to express our feelings towards the significant other. But I'll just be perfectly honest, in all of my relationships - kissing always went further than I wanted it to. Now if you've read my first blog post, you know that I have been celibate for 7 years - but it took a while before I truly accepted what it would take to fully protect the purity of not just my body, but also of my mind. In my opinion, the romantic kiss has two main roles: 1. an expression of love, and 2. an expression of sexual desire (aka foreplay). Don't run away - we are still rated G here (your kids should probablyknow this stuff anyway- they are being exposed to it more than you realize). Foreplay literally means: "sexual activity that precedes intercourse." Simple definition. Foreplay doesn't necessarily have to be crazy or extra freaky stuff. How often does a simple kiss lead to loads of romantic fun? If we asked some of our friends and fellow married couples, I'm sure the answer is quite often.
Knowing this in reflection, I had to ask myself - when I would engage in kissing in my prior relationships, what was the intent? Was I trying to express to them that I loved them? Or was I simply acting on the lust in my heart and expressing sexual desire. Well, considering that in all of those relationships I was kissing before either of us said anything about love - I have to go with the latter. And maybe that’s why little pecks on the lips would often evolve into a full blown make out session if the right environment so permitted. It was in those moments, especially while I was still growing in my decision to be celibate, that kissing became a catalyst to a level of physical intimacy that reached far beyond my convictions. Even though I wasn't having sex, in my heart I was entertaining the lust of my flesh - I was in sin.
Before I started dating CJ, the idea of being in a relationship in which my first kiss would be on my wedding day always seemed like a really cool, impossible fantasy. Yet it was a fantasy I hadn't quite given up on yet. We were talking on the phone one day while we were still in an intentional friendship (gonna have to blog about that -- ), and I mentioned that in my next relationship I do not want to kiss until I'm married. I didn't really know what type of response I would get from him, but I surely did not expect him to say what he said - a simple enthusiastic reply: "ME TOO!". I honestly didn't believe him, but to my surprise here we are counting down to the wedding day, and we are still going strong and kiss free!
Now on to what you're really here for: the pros and the cons. The obvious positive of not kissing is that it makes it much easier for us to protect our purity. For us, celibacy is more than just committing to not engaging in sexual intercourse, but also keeping our thoughts from entertaining sexual intercourse. Through honest reflection of my past relationships, I know that kissing has ultimately allowed my mind to entertain lustful thoughts and my actions follow to a certain extent. I had to keep it real with myself. I could not handle kissing as a part of a romantic relationship. My desire to commit myself to obedience through faith in Jesus required a radical change in the way I pursued relationships. And that's just me! Others may not need that type of restriction, but I can be honest with myself and say that not kissing only benefits me and holds me accountable to my commitment to my Lord and Savior. Does this mean that neither of us have never had a single lustful thought since we started dating? Absolutely not. I know I have, but it would be much easier to act on those thoughts without this contract between us to not touch lips. With this contract, I can address my thoughts as they come, take them to the Lord, and not have to "helplessly" watch them turn into undesirable actions as I did before. This contract allows me to check the condition of my heart, and love CJ as my brother in Christ while I wait for the honor to love him as his bride.
The remainder of the pros can be summed up into one huge positive outcome: an increase in the quality and quantity of our communication. Because we do not engage in kissing or any physical intimacy beyond kissing, we have gotten really good at finding other ways to express how we feel towards one another - with the main method being simply talking. Sounds like a no-brainer, but communication is a major hurdle for most couples. Instead of kissing CJ to let him know that I love him, or that I have forgiven him for some minor offense, or that I appreciate him, or that I think he is attractive, or to ward him off for getting on my nerves -- I simply must tell CJ all of these things verbally, and he has to do the same! Compile that with being in a long distance relationship/engagement and you get two people who just can't shut up (LOL)! Communication is our life line, and we have talked EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. since January of 2017. It has opened us up and allowed us to connect mentally and spiritually. I can talk to CJ about anything, no matter how difficult or frustrating. All of my emotions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas can be put on the table and discussed in some way. Now even in all of that talking, WE STILL struggle in our communication sometimes! Lots of misunderstandings still take place, lots of misread body language and facial expressions, Facetime glitches and bad phone service leading to funky attitudes and frustration. But because we don't kiss - there's simply nothing we haven't been able to talk through and work out - mainly because there is no other way to work it out except to talk about it!
The "cons" (although I don't really see them that way) are not as bad as one might think. First and foremost, we obviously don't get to express affection towards each other in the way that we would like to, or in the way that we are accustomed to. But since we have never done it in the first place, neither of us know what we are "missing". Besides, we have come up with an alternative to kissing - a gesture we like to call "nosing"! The gesture is simple and sweet, just as effective for
expressing our love, and it doesn't light up the feelings of desire that we would like to save for our marriage. The only other "con" I can think of is that I guess I won't know if CJ is a good kisser or not until our wedding day! If we are struggling, hopefully we can fake it until we get some alone time that night to TALK about how to make it better lol. I honestly don't worry about that too much, no one is born good at kissing, and no two people kiss the same. We will get good at knowing each other's kissing styles, and the 'dos and don'ts' as we grow together.
Lastly, CJ and I have both wondered if it will be weird to just start kissing each other all of a sudden when we have made it so long without it. I personally have projected that I may be in a state of fantastic relief and authentic joy at the fact that I can finally express my love and emotion in that way towards him without thinking twice about where it will end up. What I think about the most is how not kissing has influenced us when we are healing, and how that might change once we are married. CJ and I have experienced a lot together, including some hurts, aches, and pains. Without any physical intimacy, our healing process from those experiences are all natural: they are slow, and require a lot of patience, and constant monitoring. It reminds me of the way our bodies heal naturally from a wound. There is a period of inflammation, when it's red, tender, sensitive, and hurts to the touch. Like when we are navigating through our frustration and angry emotions, when we are super sensitive to every single word that we say to one another. A wound might even begin to bleed, in the same way that we may let emotions spill over into tears. With time the body heals itself from the inside out, most times you can't even tell a wound was once there. Similar to how with time, CJ and I are able to truly forgive each other for whatever offense and move forward in our love. In physical therapy school I have learned a lot of cool things about dressing wounds - from a simple band aid to fancy hydrocolloid and alginate dressings that absorb all of the ooze and help wounds heal faster - allowing individuals to get back to their everyday lives with no restrictions. Right now, I foresee kisses playing an important role as little band-aids for us. I am excited to discover what it will be like to allow simple kisses and expressions of physical intimacy to be a part of our healing and growing process in marriage.
At the end of it all, I hope that reading a little bit about our personal decision allows you to reflect on your past or current relationships so that you can make whatever adjustments necessary to positively influence your spiritual growth and relationship with God! If any other couples have any questions, comments, or points of discussion - please leave a comment below! We also would love any advice and feedback from all of the married folks out there. Thank you for reading and God Bless!
